lots of "friendship"/relationship changes! and emotionally spiraling

Little of an update!

So I told JS that we can't be friends anymore; I was clear to say this wan't really to do anything with her, just that I always wanted more and couldn't keep lying to myself that mere friendship was enough. Maybe I'm in error in this assertion that I believe that relationships, be them romantic/sexual or not, should be defined and all ambiguity nuked. To that end, I had to grow up and end our friendship with JS (and other in my life). Additionally, if you fall this logos through, then I also need to be proactive to be more assertive in defining my relationships by be more forward. In the past, I am so not forward.

If I hadn't been lying to myself for years, I should have ended things with JS years ago. On top of this, a few weeks earlier I learned Gabrielle moved back to North Vancouver... only a few blocks away (damn you FB for making stalking so inadvertently easy for people). This also coincides with me going off my antidepressants cold turkey. A few days after cutting JS out of my life I de-friended Summerly and Nina. We hadn't talked for quite some time (with Nina for over a year).

Also, since beginning of Jan I started having sex with Angela after we broke up. Regarding the situation with Angela: we are officers in the same NLC Corp, and we began sleeping together in September 2012. This happened because one night when I and the rest of the officers were out drinking, she suggested that we could hang out some time, so I told well she could come over some drinks that night if she wanted. I few weeks later, we did just that and after getting quite intoxicated we fucked. Tbh, I wasn't that attracted to her (I know horrible to say) but she is a nice person and she was there (pathetic on my part). She considered us dating, but we kept on the down low (mostly at my urging), because of our working relationship at cadets and their could be ramifications from up the Chain of Command. I really wanted to feel something with her, but just never felt that spark. Over the following months I told her a 3 times that I didn't feel that spark and she deserved better. I wanted to tell her in no uncertain terms that we had to end it, but I really didn't want to hurt or make our working relationship messed. To be clear, I don't make a habit of getting involved with people at work.... or that up until this year have I had that much experience romantically/sexually (although even now, I probably don't have that much experience now anyways). I am such a hopeless romantic, but I've been emotionally beaten down by others and myself, that I have become really?disenfranchised and hurt. I guess that's why I have been so conflicted and doing more crazy things then I've ever done. Back to Angela, I eventually told her straight in Jan that we had to break up. However, we kept sleeping together until last week, which I discussed with and it was more of a mutual decision.

To complicate things more, this week I had sex with Tasia again. I haven't seen her in over 2 years, and we were never even really friends or dating. I have slept with her before, but we more of each others booty calls. She has now ended things with me, which is fine.

I had a good evening out at EXP bar with Cassidy who recently broke up with her BF of 5 years. There is actually the potential on my part see her more then a hook up (not that ive had more then 1 hook up). But when I actually like someone, I just don't want to scare them off, and then I'm probably not forward enough. Trying to change that like I said above. But I did ask her if she wanted to have SNES night not this weekend but the next because she is busy with midterms. That night, I'm going to ask her if she interested in being more then friends and take things slow.

So yeah emotionally, I am just all over the place. For example today (1600-1745) I just lay in my bead holding a pillow shivering and holding back tears.

Cheers,

Vic.

PS: I felt like killing myself earlier. Also that is another reason I am sorry to lose JS. Without her I probably would have killed myself this past winter. She was the only one I felt comfortable enough opening up to. All she did was come over and knit and watch TV with me after I told her I was suicidal.

Source: http://cerulean-pulsar.livejournal.com/19670.html

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